Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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