If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
