remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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