i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dignity is for republicans.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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