hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize