some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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