At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
