Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
