I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
