Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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