My liver just broke up with me...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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