I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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