apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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