i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
