I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
