A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
