Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Me too!
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
