the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
