someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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