Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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