Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
