the condom got lost in my hair
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
