so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
