oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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