We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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