I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
