I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
