i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
