he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
