The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
