According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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