I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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