i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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