seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
