this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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