Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
