He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
