If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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