Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize