how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
