I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
