There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
someone threw a dead crab at me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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