I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it hurts more in the daytime
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize