he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
