My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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