I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
