the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
