Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
