Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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