He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
