Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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