you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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