The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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