***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
