every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
