i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
