yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
