Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just gargled with NyQuil
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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